No comment.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
speechless? more like dumbfounded.
Presley's ex-wife PRISCILLA writes in new book ELVIS, BY THE PRESLEYS, "He had a million badges and a blue police light on his car.
"He liked nothing more than putting that light on his car and pulling people over. He'd walk up to the window, show off his official badge and say, 'Son, you were speeding. Just want to warn you to slow down.'
"The driver would see him and remain speechless. He liked seeing himself as a lawmaker and protector of the public. He carried guns, and if he happened to see, for instance, two men fighting at a gas station, he'd drive over and stop the fight. His very presence stopped things escalating."
"He liked nothing more than putting that light on his car and pulling people over. He'd walk up to the window, show off his official badge and say, 'Son, you were speeding. Just want to warn you to slow down.'
"The driver would see him and remain speechless. He liked seeing himself as a lawmaker and protector of the public. He carried guns, and if he happened to see, for instance, two men fighting at a gas station, he'd drive over and stop the fight. His very presence stopped things escalating."
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
more photos
Unfortunately the link button cannot be created in blogger using netscape on my mac but if you want to see more vegas photos type
http://community.webshots.com/user/douglasnorris/
into your browser...
Monday, May 23, 2005
Friday, May 20, 2005
Last Day In Vegas chapter four
Johnnie's parents had never bothered to get married. There had been some debate about which religious ceremony they were going to observe for the nuptials. Ephraim Pai had decided that an Animist wedding was the most spiritually binding, but unfortunately they could find no one in the greater Cleveland area to administer the rather obtuse rites. Su Han Yan Gow was a Buddhist or had been until she read Jean Paul Sartre's book Being and Nothingness and realized that Sartre was probably on drugs. Why this had effected her belief in the Buddha no one was quite sure. Her family thought it best not to probe too deeply and so the marriage had been postponed and further postponed and eventually forgotten.
Johnnie had changed his name at age eighteen to include his mothers name because he had become tired of the jokes about his last name.
"Hey Johnnie Apple Pie howsabout some whip cream?"
He also thought it was too much of a crazy coincidence that his parents names together would be the same as the famous poker game. This coincidence may have had some effect on Johnnies future profession.
Johnnie had changed his name at age eighteen to include his mothers name because he had become tired of the jokes about his last name.
"Hey Johnnie Apple Pie howsabout some whip cream?"
He also thought it was too much of a crazy coincidence that his parents names together would be the same as the famous poker game. This coincidence may have had some effect on Johnnies future profession.
Last Day In Vegas chapter Three
The shovel bit into hard earth like an old man with dentures trying to eat a Granny Smith apple. It didn't make matters any better that she was wearing three inch stiletto heels. After scraping off the top layer of sand she was basically digging into solid rock.
"FUCK!"
It didn't really matter though because the person she shot wasn't dead or even near dead. He was just in a lot of pain. In fact he was quite conscious and moaning.
"Why the fuck did you shoot me? I suppose you're going to kill me with that shovel and then bury me out here? Didn't you think to see if there were any bullets in the gun before before you decided to come and kill me. Goddamn, you are a stupid bitch."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She screamed and started to walk towards the car.
When she shot him in the parking lot she had been a bit nervous and although Johnnie Pai-Gow was a rather wide target she had, with the first shot, only managed to graze him. After that the gun just went click click click. There had been one bullet in the chamber but the clip was empty. Johnnie had a rather low tolerance for pain and had fainted after the first shot. She had pushed his unconscious body into the passenger seat and had jumped into the car and driven him to this remote spot where she figured she would bury him dead or alive.
Johnnie realized he was in no condition to deal with an insane woman carrying a shovel. Inexplicably she had left the keys in the ignition.
They both realized this at the same time.
Johnnie started the car and shoved it into gear as the woman started running towards him holding the shovel like a lacrosse stick.
He popped the clutch and sand and gravel shot towards her as he pulled away. She held the shovel up with one arm and launched it at him like a javelin. It careened off the top of his head as he pulled away.
"FUCK" he screamed as the pain shot through his brain. He pulled on to the asphalt and kept going. Blood was dripping down the side of his head but the adrenaline was keeping him conscious. He thought of going back to try and run her over but he figured she would have it tough getting back to town as they were probably forty or fifty miles from anything and night was coming on. Also he wanted to find out who she was and what he had done to make her want to kill him.
He opened the glove compartment and pulled out his flask and a bottle of aspirin. He sipped the whiskey as he drove into the setting sun. Then he noticed her purse laying on the floor by his feet.
"FUCK!"
It didn't really matter though because the person she shot wasn't dead or even near dead. He was just in a lot of pain. In fact he was quite conscious and moaning.
"Why the fuck did you shoot me? I suppose you're going to kill me with that shovel and then bury me out here? Didn't you think to see if there were any bullets in the gun before before you decided to come and kill me. Goddamn, you are a stupid bitch."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She screamed and started to walk towards the car.
When she shot him in the parking lot she had been a bit nervous and although Johnnie Pai-Gow was a rather wide target she had, with the first shot, only managed to graze him. After that the gun just went click click click. There had been one bullet in the chamber but the clip was empty. Johnnie had a rather low tolerance for pain and had fainted after the first shot. She had pushed his unconscious body into the passenger seat and had jumped into the car and driven him to this remote spot where she figured she would bury him dead or alive.
Johnnie realized he was in no condition to deal with an insane woman carrying a shovel. Inexplicably she had left the keys in the ignition.
They both realized this at the same time.
Johnnie started the car and shoved it into gear as the woman started running towards him holding the shovel like a lacrosse stick.
He popped the clutch and sand and gravel shot towards her as he pulled away. She held the shovel up with one arm and launched it at him like a javelin. It careened off the top of his head as he pulled away.
"FUCK" he screamed as the pain shot through his brain. He pulled on to the asphalt and kept going. Blood was dripping down the side of his head but the adrenaline was keeping him conscious. He thought of going back to try and run her over but he figured she would have it tough getting back to town as they were probably forty or fifty miles from anything and night was coming on. Also he wanted to find out who she was and what he had done to make her want to kill him.
He opened the glove compartment and pulled out his flask and a bottle of aspirin. He sipped the whiskey as he drove into the setting sun. Then he noticed her purse laying on the floor by his feet.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
canape of fog
Ah yes cool, wet, San Francisco. It must be getting close to summer because it's getting colder out. Sometimes I think I should move out of this city. It seems like it creates a fog of a different nature, one that works its way into your head, whispering, this is the only place to live, all those other places, while they may be good, aren't San Francisco and don't you always feel better when you get back?
And I have to agree.
But there are those times, in the summer, when the whole of California, nay, the whole country(with the exception of a few kindred ecosystems like monterey), is basking in warmth, barbecuing in tight little shorts, swimming in cool bodies of water, while we in SF are up to our tits in fog, freezing our asses off as the wind whips through the city, rattling windows and creating sweatshirt sales at Fishermans Wharf, that I have to ask myself, hmmm, is 11 am too early for a beer?
And I have to agree.
But there are those times, in the summer, when the whole of California, nay, the whole country(with the exception of a few kindred ecosystems like monterey), is basking in warmth, barbecuing in tight little shorts, swimming in cool bodies of water, while we in SF are up to our tits in fog, freezing our asses off as the wind whips through the city, rattling windows and creating sweatshirt sales at Fishermans Wharf, that I have to ask myself, hmmm, is 11 am too early for a beer?
Last Day in Vegas chapter 2
Johnnie Pai-Gow had been a precocious youth albeit one with a lax sense of moral convictions. On the morning of the family move to Texas, Johnnie, at age nine, had traded a a non-functioning pellet rifle to a neighborhood boy for a valuable baseball card collection that the boy's father had willed to him after dying in the tragic Cleveland pickle factory fire of 1966.
Johnnie hid the collection from his parents, Ephraim Pai and Su Han Yan Gow.
In Austin he took the collection to a renowned sports memorabilia dealer who,although initially wary of purchasing such a valuable collection from a minor, bought(after Johnnie reduced his asking price by half) the collection for fourteen thousand dollars in cash.
Johnnie kept the money hidden from his parents, Ephraim Pai and Su Han Yan Gow.
Johnnie's father Ephraim Pai was a stern taskmaster and would brook no dissent. Luckily he was also frequently absent as most of his time was spent in illegal gambling haunts. Johnnie knew if his father got his hands on the money it would soon disappear.
Ephraim Pai was the illegitimate product of a Pentecostal missionary from Toledo, Ohio and a Cambodian field worker. Ephraim practiced a bastardized form of religion that included Jesus, the Virgin, and the Buddha all spiced liberally with a dose of animism. He believed spirits inhabited all things and had been removed from gambling establishments on numerous occassions after verbally berating the chair he had been sitting in while playing a particularly bad hand of poker.
Johnnie's mother Su Han Yan Gow had come from a well-to-do family in China and was said to have been related to the last emperor. The Family had fled China concealed on a container ship and several of them died of a mysterious illness which was thought to have been a curse put upon them by the wife of chairman Mao Tse-Tung. In actuality it was syphilis.
Johnnie hid the collection from his parents, Ephraim Pai and Su Han Yan Gow.
In Austin he took the collection to a renowned sports memorabilia dealer who,although initially wary of purchasing such a valuable collection from a minor, bought(after Johnnie reduced his asking price by half) the collection for fourteen thousand dollars in cash.
Johnnie kept the money hidden from his parents, Ephraim Pai and Su Han Yan Gow.
Johnnie's father Ephraim Pai was a stern taskmaster and would brook no dissent. Luckily he was also frequently absent as most of his time was spent in illegal gambling haunts. Johnnie knew if his father got his hands on the money it would soon disappear.
Ephraim Pai was the illegitimate product of a Pentecostal missionary from Toledo, Ohio and a Cambodian field worker. Ephraim practiced a bastardized form of religion that included Jesus, the Virgin, and the Buddha all spiced liberally with a dose of animism. He believed spirits inhabited all things and had been removed from gambling establishments on numerous occassions after verbally berating the chair he had been sitting in while playing a particularly bad hand of poker.
Johnnie's mother Su Han Yan Gow had come from a well-to-do family in China and was said to have been related to the last emperor. The Family had fled China concealed on a container ship and several of them died of a mysterious illness which was thought to have been a curse put upon them by the wife of chairman Mao Tse-Tung. In actuality it was syphilis.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
The Last Day In Vegas
It was hot and windy. The air smelled like a combination of gravel pit dust and urban sprawl construction site potpourri. He pulled his hat down hard on his head as the convertible Fiat Spyder with the bad muffler rumbled its way back into the city. He had seen Hoover Dam and he had emerged victorious except the gift shop was closed. He had not been pulled over in at least 24 hours. Things were looking up. The Fiesta Casino loomed in the distance. It looked ominously like any other part of the shopping mall except it was larger and it wasn't a Von's.
"Damn" He said to the biting wind. "If it was Von's at least I could get a rotisserie chicken."
Then he remembered they had Fatburger in the casino and he calmed down. A turkey cheeseburger with all the fixin's would have to suffice.
He pulled into the parking lot and settled the Fiat in between a Hummer and an El Dorado.
As he was getting out of car he noticed a dame making her toward him.
"Not bad" He thought." She's got legs that go all the way to her ass."
She approached him and stood standing right in front of him as he struggled to extricate himself from the sticky bucket seat. He decided just to sit back gracefully and see what this lady had to say for herself.
Her eyes were green and they had a mischevious twinkle.
"Are you Johnnie Pai-Gow?" She asked even though it was obvious she knew he was.
"Hmm, could be. Who wants to know."
"My litttle friend here." She said as she pulled out a nickel plated .38 automatic and pointed it at Johnnie Pai-Gow's rather expansive mid-section.
"Does your little friend have a name?" He asked in a mocking tone.
"Yes"
She paused and the dusty air was pregnant with tension as well as the smell from a nearby Arby's´®.
Her eyes flamed as her gold eyeshadow caught the brilliant Las Vegas sun.
"Revenge."
She pulled the trigger.
"Damn" He said to the biting wind. "If it was Von's at least I could get a rotisserie chicken."
Then he remembered they had Fatburger in the casino and he calmed down. A turkey cheeseburger with all the fixin's would have to suffice.
He pulled into the parking lot and settled the Fiat in between a Hummer and an El Dorado.
As he was getting out of car he noticed a dame making her toward him.
"Not bad" He thought." She's got legs that go all the way to her ass."
She approached him and stood standing right in front of him as he struggled to extricate himself from the sticky bucket seat. He decided just to sit back gracefully and see what this lady had to say for herself.
Her eyes were green and they had a mischevious twinkle.
"Are you Johnnie Pai-Gow?" She asked even though it was obvious she knew he was.
"Hmm, could be. Who wants to know."
"My litttle friend here." She said as she pulled out a nickel plated .38 automatic and pointed it at Johnnie Pai-Gow's rather expansive mid-section.
"Does your little friend have a name?" He asked in a mocking tone.
"Yes"
She paused and the dusty air was pregnant with tension as well as the smell from a nearby Arby's´®.
Her eyes flamed as her gold eyeshadow caught the brilliant Las Vegas sun.
"Revenge."
She pulled the trigger.
Sunday, May 15, 2005
It's everything I thought it would be and less
Much less. Oooh Vegas, It's So exciting. Yeah, like a crack ho wearing Gucci.
I do like the terrain though, the mountains are beautiful and the weather is hot and dry. Went to the Valley of Fire and saw some cool petroglyphs and twisted rock formations. I've been riding around in an "81 fiat spider with the top down and now my face is four shades darker than the rest of me.
We got pulled over last night right off the strip. I don't think the cops like my friend Rene. This cop was a meathead with an attitude and he was obviously trying to get Rene to argue with him. I think he might have been on the "roids".
Rene asked me if I thought he looked like a drug dealer and I replied truthfully.
"Uh huh."
I do like the terrain though, the mountains are beautiful and the weather is hot and dry. Went to the Valley of Fire and saw some cool petroglyphs and twisted rock formations. I've been riding around in an "81 fiat spider with the top down and now my face is four shades darker than the rest of me.
We got pulled over last night right off the strip. I don't think the cops like my friend Rene. This cop was a meathead with an attitude and he was obviously trying to get Rene to argue with him. I think he might have been on the "roids".
Rene asked me if I thought he looked like a drug dealer and I replied truthfully.
"Uh huh."
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Sunday, May 08, 2005
oh, Patton
From Patton Oswalt's site http://www.pattonoswalt.com/
The next time one of these Jesus Nerds starts braying about "intelligent design" and that "evolution is just a theory", please direct them to the following website:
http://wilstar.com/theories.htm
It's a one-page, clearly written explanation of what "theory" means in scientific terms. It's okay to BELIEVE in creationism. It's the same way I BELIEVE that Paris Hilton is a twat-demon from the Burning Cuntlands of the Outer Darkness, sent to earth in human form to make people worship money and privilege. But, like creationism, I'll never be able to prove it scientifically.
Blessed art he that speaketh the truth...
PS. sorry I still havent figure out the link thing....
The next time one of these Jesus Nerds starts braying about "intelligent design" and that "evolution is just a theory", please direct them to the following website:
http://wilstar.com/theories.htm
It's a one-page, clearly written explanation of what "theory" means in scientific terms. It's okay to BELIEVE in creationism. It's the same way I BELIEVE that Paris Hilton is a twat-demon from the Burning Cuntlands of the Outer Darkness, sent to earth in human form to make people worship money and privilege. But, like creationism, I'll never be able to prove it scientifically.
Blessed art he that speaketh the truth...
PS. sorry I still havent figure out the link thing....
mother's day
Well the greeting card industry isn't going to get me with their manufactured "holiday". Mother? What did she ever do for me?
Actually I'm going to be a good son and take her out for brunch.
All my friends are transplants from the east coast so whenever there's a holiday they get to drink booze and get wasted and I have to go out to the country and eat roast leg of lamb with the family. Oh poor, poor me.
My other siblings are all mothers in their own right so I guess they get off the hook for this one... life is so unfair.
Actually I'm going to be a good son and take her out for brunch.
All my friends are transplants from the east coast so whenever there's a holiday they get to drink booze and get wasted and I have to go out to the country and eat roast leg of lamb with the family. Oh poor, poor me.
My other siblings are all mothers in their own right so I guess they get off the hook for this one... life is so unfair.
Friday, May 06, 2005
Thursday, May 05, 2005
that's obscene!
I read in the "paper" today that a middle school marching band in Benton Harbor, Michigan were banned from playing the song "Louie, Louie" because one parent called the superintendent and complained that the song was obscene. Holy bongwater, Batman...
The article went on to say that the FBI spent two years investigating the lyrics before declaring they not only were not obscene but also were "unintelligible at any speed."
Two years?
Iwould have liked to been on that detail.
"okay let's see how it sounds if we take acid and speed it way up."
The article went on to say that the FBI spent two years investigating the lyrics before declaring they not only were not obscene but also were "unintelligible at any speed."
Two years?
Iwould have liked to been on that detail.
"okay let's see how it sounds if we take acid and speed it way up."
Monday, May 02, 2005
Vegas?
Well, since I didn't get the job I was hoping for I've decided to go to Las Vegas instead. It seems like the natural choice. I can "bet the farm". Take my hard earned savings and etc...
Actually my friends who are living there for a couple of months told me to bring camping gear...Camping gear? Vegas? What is this? Some kind of cruel hoax? I guess there's a place called the Valley of Fire that has some "great" rock formations. Also I want to visit the neon sign graveyard...it does exist.
I do hope there's a full moon. No, really I do.
Actually my friends who are living there for a couple of months told me to bring camping gear...Camping gear? Vegas? What is this? Some kind of cruel hoax? I guess there's a place called the Valley of Fire that has some "great" rock formations. Also I want to visit the neon sign graveyard...it does exist.
I do hope there's a full moon. No, really I do.
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