Captain Wheezer sat his ass down on the first thing that came to hand. It was a small child.
"Hey, get off me! Hey!

The barrister and the barrista were out on a date and witnessed the whole thing.
"My, what a legal bind that gentleman might find himself in." The barrister commented.
"Would you like some more coffee?" The barrista replied.

Captain Wheezer remembered the old days fondly. Thoughts of smoky days on the campus. Hot tea in dorm rooms, the curve of a young woman's calf.

"Hey! Get off me! Hey!"

Captain Wheezer was hearing voices in his head again. What evil did these voices portend, what ghastly meaning could it have, this 'get off me'?

"Excuse me sir, you are sitting on this young child." An elderly man with dusty chapeau and a glass eye slapped Wheezer with his cane.

"Ah, fuck off you old goat, yer prolly a figment of my demented imagination anyway!' Wheezer spat in the old mans direction.
As he lifted his ass to fart the child slipped out and ran down the street as fast as it could.
Wheezer fell to the cement after a thunderous fart.
"Damn, I farted so hard I moved the earth."