Carnitas Regalo was the only child of a one eyed used car salesman and an obese polish hairdresser. His mother wore a patch where the bad eye used to be and drove a late model Toyota Corolla.
The kids made fun of Carnitas' mom.
"Hey Carnie, yer mom's a pirate. Does she have a wooden leg? "
His dad told him not to worry about those kids.
"They're stupid little shits. Don't worry about those little fuckwads."
Carnitas' mom gave him a specially made set of brass knuckles but Carnitas never used them.
The other kids he hung out with were cool and they told the dumbasses to shut the fuck up about Carnitas ' mom or they'd kick their asses. This seemed to Carnitas to be a good solution.

His dad's real last name was Regalozcyski but he changed it when he got out of the army.
"I was tired of spelling that shit to a bunch of dumb fuckwads." He told Carnitas after Carnitas had seen his dad's birth certificate.

"Why did you name me after a choice for a burrito?" he asked his dad.
"Look at me. I weigh 393 pounds. Carnitas is my fucking favorite!"

" What did you do in the army, dad?"
Well fuck that. Well, I was in the war ya know, over in Vietnam. You know about that, right? Vietnam? So anyway I was a radio operator for the 376th air platoon. We had to call in air strikes. Mostly napalm and long range bombing. But it didn't do any good. Them little fuckers were all underground in their fucking tunnels. Bunch of fucking vipers the VC."

Why'd you become a hairdresser, dad?"
"well I aint no fag but when I got back I gained a lot of weight and my mom, yer grandma Grace, worked at the beauty college and she said I might lose some weight being on my feet all day but I wouldn't have to do no heavy lifting or any of that. So that's what I did."

"Dad, what happened to mom's eye?"
You have to ask her about THAT."